It's been a while since I've posted. After my Addison's disease catching up with me in February of this year, and about a month of recouperating, I decided it was God's way of telling me to slow down, so I have. Our lives have been changed so much since Caleb's passing, that I think most of last year I tried to keep very busy just to keep from feeling lost. After caring for him 24/7 for the majority of his 9 years here with us, I am still at a loss of what to do with me. I am still a mom to our 2 beautiful girls, who I feel that I have missed out on a majority of their "growing up". And finding them at 15, and 13, is overwhelming. My husband, Chad, took a new job in July last year, when Goodyear closed. It has been a blessing for him to have a job, but the financial adjustment and his travel has been another big change for us. We had our home for sale, and that didn't work out. So, along the way of change, the last year and 1/2 has been full of it, and things still seem uncertain.
However, all in all, we are happy. Caleb is in God's hands, and as much as it pains me, it still comforts me to know that. I am greeted most every week by someone reaching out to us either in a letter or comment or post that reminds me of how he touched the lives of others and continues to, and that is a blessing.
The most important reflecting I've done over the last few months is finding that time spent here sharing moments with our family and friends is worth more than anything this world has to offer. And, that Heaven is the only thing in this life worth working toward. There are things that have to be done to sustain us here, but throughout all this change in our lives, there is one thing that remains constant, God. And for that I am so grateful.
I have considered many opportunities over the last several months, jobs, new ventures, but none of these will bring happiness, they will just bring "things" to our lives, and that is a change that this family doesn't need. There have been years of stress, fear, anxiety and worry in our house, and for now, with Caleb at peace, I want that for the rest of our family. We have the struggles of everyday life, but all in all, if our focus is in the right place, all of those little things will be taken care of. God was with us through all the good days and difficult days with our sweet boy, and He will be with us now.
I am writing a book now that is a study through the Bible in Grief. It has helped me a great deal to apply what I learn from reading to my own personal grief and to share that with others. When it is finished this summer, I will be turning it into an interested publisher and hope that it can help others through grief. It truly is universal and can cause so much heartache if people don't allow themselves to grieve.
Life is change and uncertainty, but in the same hand, joy and love and hope. Regardless of where you are in life, find the joy. Caleb had epilepsy, but not one day of his life did it define who he was. He was brave, kind, loving, content - every day. Though the days are sometimes tough without him here- I will continue to try to be brave, kind, loving and content- everyday.
Blessings to each of you,
Beth
